yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
