my phone needs a breathalizer
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
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is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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