my sisters under your porch take her home
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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