If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
