we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
