I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize
