I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
