Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
