I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
