the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
