Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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