Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
