If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
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She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
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ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
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