i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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