I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
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And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
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You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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