the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
