I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
