I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
