You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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