I just pynch a tree in the face
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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