I got chris browned last night
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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