the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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