awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
