i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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