I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
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The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
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My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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