Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
