I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Randomize
