i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
