need another drink. this is the easiest way
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
