well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm too high and old for this...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize