please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
