He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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