He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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