Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
