he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
