it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
