Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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