everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
