they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
