I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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