you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
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Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
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I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life