Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
