I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
