I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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