when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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