Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
