you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
