even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
