I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
