Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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