I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
