FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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